The Armani Exchange

Those of you who know me that this is and accurate representation of my lifestyle. I hang out in well lit playgrounds with my skinny friends who look hungry, tired, and strung out.

Many of you may be well aware of what happened to me on November 1st. I did phone (I dislike the term drunk-dial. It implies a certain amount of regret and I do not regret calling any of you who did get calls. It was more calling people who I normally might not call) many of you and tell you the wonderful thing that happened to me at the Armani Exchange. I was looking for a gift for my Cooperating Teacher with whom I had been student teaching for the past month. I wasn't sure what to get but I was walking around Lincoln Center. I did not want to get a gift certificate from Barnes & Noble. I was thinking of getting some candles or lotions or something. I went to Columbus Circle and was surprised by the amount of swankiness I encountered. For some reason I decided to go to the top floor where ran into a variety of velvet ropes and bouncers for restaurants I most definitely will never eat at in my life. I decided to make a full circle and go back down and I walked in front of the Armani Exhchange. A gentleman in front of the store dressed in gym gear said "come to our Men's Health event" and handed me a card.

"When is it?" I inquired.

"Right now.... Get a free cocktail," He responded.

"Really?!?" Clearly I was intrigued by the prospect of free booze.

"Yeah," he confirmed.

I walked in up to the beefy looking bartenders and got some sort of Skky vodka and energy drink concoction. Pleased with myself I began to browse the store as if I belonged. I could probably be picked out a mile away. I hadn't showered that day, spent most of the day in my boxers and a t-shirt and decided to throw on some jeans and a hoody before I left. A woman asked me to enter some sort of drawing, but I declined and browsed the back of the store, where I thought I might find cheaper bargains. I was mistaken. The cheapest thing I could find was a belt for $58. I began to feel a little uncomfortable and I was planning on leaving soon, but I wanted another drink. I thought they might turn me away since I was ordering my first drink only minutes prior, but pleased, I received my second drink, this time a concoction of Skky vodka and Vitamin Water which I just learned 50 Cent endorses (this was a Men's Health event, I think the brilliant minds at this fact-driven magazine recently uncovered a study that showed by mixing harmful alcohol with a "healthy drink" the harm of alcohol is magically erased).




So I stayed in the store a little longer to finish my second and continued to "browse," which at this point had become quite redundant and most of the other, more properly dressed patrons were beginning to, or had already seen through me. Suddenly, a very fit young woman stepped onto a table in the middle of the store and began to perform a contortion/yoga routine. This was supposed to represent "health" I imagine, but it made me extremely uncomfortable. There was an official photographer looking gentleman there who was taking photos, but there were a number of 30-50 year old men who took out their camera phones and proceeded to take photos for their own private use. Disgusted I downed the remainder of my 2nd drink and went for my 3rd which held me over for the rest of her routine and into the next session.

Two gym rat looking men with shoulders that appeared to swallow their heads began to hold a demonstration and the best exercises to do in the home (push-ups and squats apparently) which was followed by a fitness Q&A session. Another attendee received a free week pass to the Reebok Sports Club for answering a question. In order to bide my time during the session I went for my 4th. I was not drunk and of course I was going for the healthy side effects of the vitamin water. After the Q&A session the vodka finally started to get to me. I went up to one of the gym rats and pried a bit.
"What's so great about the Reebok Sports Club if the best exercises you can do can be done for free at home?" I asked.

"Have you been there?" he responded.

"Nooope" I declared.

"Here take one of these" he said as he handed me a week pass to the club. Just as my drunken mind had plotted.

I finished off my fourth and feigned further browsing. At this point I had spent a good hour and a half in the store, much longer than I planned. With the confidence of a King I went up for my 5th drink and as the bartender handed me my final drink the manager informed him to "close it up!" I hope it was because of me. I finished off my 5th quicker than the rest and drunkenly wandered back to Barnes & Noble and settled on the gift card that I had previously decided not to buy.

What a painfully awkward, fun, and free night.

I realized just how drunk I was at about 2:30 am when I woke up sprawled across my bed fully clothed with the light still on in my room.

I hope I find more shallow, alcohol serving, free events.